I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Randomize
