its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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