I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
