Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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