I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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