Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
