Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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