they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
