Soap is not a condiment
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You ate ashes out of my bong
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
