Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
