there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
