Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
