Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
this is an emotional support booty call
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Randomize
