On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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