You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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