Tell her she can't have a vagina
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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