i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
