So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
