my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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