i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
