I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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