I am puke
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
