I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Barsexuality is the new black.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
