Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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