cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
