you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
