Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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