I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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