I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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