I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
