Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I love you. Go after that dick
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
