1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
my nose is crying tears of wow.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
