I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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