she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
