did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
