I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
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