Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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