I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
We need to get me chipped asap
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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