Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am in a vortex of obligation.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
my being single is dangerous.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
