I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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