I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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