I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
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