just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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