gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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