She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
