Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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