So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
