she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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