i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
