I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
