I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
