Christians are straight up FREAKS
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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